The Laputan Engine Technologies
The Laputan scientists got down to the task at once. They were very meticulous and task focused. They wanted to take a holistic approach and went about meeting historians, sociologists, economists, religious leaders and eminent people from various other fields. Soon two months passed. The government’s Laputan engineers were out with an impressive looking report. The report was too large to be reproduced here. So a brief summary of the ten alternatives suggested by them is presented below.
Horse power engine – Horses were mankind’s first means of transport and till 100 years back had been one of the most important means of transport. There is no reason why horses cannot once again come to man’s aid. We of course are not suggesting a return to the days of horse drawn carriages. Rather we have designed special treadmills on which horses will run day and night to produce energy which will be stored on cells that will be used to power automobiles.
Virtual reality – 'If Mohammed can not go to the mountain, the mountain has to come to Mohammed.' If people cannot go to places, the places have to come to people. We have designed virtual reality software that will bring places to people in the comfort of their homes, making it unnecessary for people to go to places, expending valuable fuel.
Mouse power engine – No true scientist would fail to acknowledge the contribution of mice to the advancements in the field of medical science. Mice can also be the salvation from the fuel hike crisis as well. We have designed special wheels with mice inside them. The mice will keep running in circles within the wheel, getting nowhere whereas the car will go places. Mice breed so fast that there will never be any shortages or price hikes.
Beggar's Wish Engine – The ancients have said “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” The ancients apparently had technology to transform beggars’ wishes into horses. We are trying to look through ancient texts to unravel this technology. We are hopeful that we will be able to convert beggar’s wishes into cans of fuel. India has so many beggars that you will soon overtake Gulf countries as world’s leading producer of fuel.
Dishonesty Repulsion Engine – This is based on the magnetic principle that opposite poles repels each other. We have tried to isolate a substance that gets repelled by dishonesty. This will be placed inside the core of the engine. The minute a person sits inside the car, the engine will push on ahead by the power of repulsion. Of course this technology might not generate sufficient power for people who are not dishonest enough. But then our surveys indicate the ones having maximum transport needs are politicians and business men. We are sure they will have no challenges using this technology.
Gossip engine – One of the principles to generate power is to confine a fast expanding material to a small space. These opposing forces will generate energy to power automobiles. And what spreads faster than rumors. We are planning to capture rumors and confine it inside the engine. Gossip is a clean renewable natural resource in this country that will not run out in the next 10 centuries to come. So your energy needs will be secured for long time.
Outsourced commutation – India has benefited a lot from outsourcing. It is time India itself does some outsourcing. All offices can outsource the commutation to work to the sub Saharan countries. These countries have efficient runners who can cover the 10-15 Km on foot itself that company employees travel to work on a daily basis. Moreover they can do it in half the time that cars take in the roads crowded with traffic.
Genetic engine – Genetic technology has been taking leaps and bounds. It is time genetics combines with mechanics. We have come up with a prototype of a live car that can run on food instead of fuel. We have come up with an innovative solution for protection from the rising food prices as well. In the day time the car will run like cars normally do. In the night, it will go around the streets scavenging dustbins for leftover food and catching pests such as mice and cockroaches for food. So the car serves a dual purpose as pest eradicator as well.
Faith engine – People from times immemorial have known about the power of faith.This concept is based on the power of mind over matter. The rise in fuel prices is not in the external world but within our minds. Rise of prices is not a property of fuel in itself but is in the perception of the observer. So if you breath deep and stop observing the fuel prices, then the fuel prices will stop rising.
Reverse engine – We did a detailed study of the transport patterns. Most of the people come back to the same place they started in the morning at the end of the day. So the net displacement is zero. Hence by the law of conservation of energy net energy spent should also be zero. We are using this principle to design an engine that will give back the energy spent in going to a place when you are returning back. This energy can be used for next day’s travel and so one is assured of lifelong supply of fuel unless one decided not to return home.
So the report was submitted. The government established a committee to examine the feasibility of these recommendations. The committee worked diligently for 5 years going through each one of the recommendations. Meanwhile elections came and a new government came to power. They established a new committee to oversee the work of the first committee. The new committee is still examining the report. But all is well..... Till the Laputan arrive to call in their loan.